Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
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And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco