Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
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If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”