when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
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Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.