My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
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who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer