Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
You Might Also Like
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.