Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Mountain Goat : )
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
*Inspirational Tweets*
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.