“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?