How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
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*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.