My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
You Might Also Like
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Donkey Kong sommelier
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.