Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
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ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*