caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
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When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.