What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
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Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I love you…
…r dog.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.