[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
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I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Yeah. This was me today.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed