Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
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Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse