[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
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No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.