Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
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[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason