No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
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Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
me irl
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
okay run it by me one more time
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.