if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
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*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I cannot stop laughing at this
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.