[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
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[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
The glory of fall.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning