How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
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Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti