If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
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I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐