DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
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Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”