There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
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Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.