Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
According to math, I’m broke
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.