The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
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Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.