Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are