Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
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me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask