I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
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Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
got so much cardio in today
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes