People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
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Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.