So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
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INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
set yourself free xox
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me