[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.