“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.