Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
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I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?