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We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.