me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
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We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My inexpensive home security system…
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Finally
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no