7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
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Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
i baked you a cake
my sentiments exactly
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Don’t we all.