When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
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Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Do one person every day that scares you.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire