My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
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When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
s
oc
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a
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*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*