Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
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Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
huge if true: the moon
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Me too 😆
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs