Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
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As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…