Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Terribly Tuesday.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die