When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
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What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?