The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
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[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.