Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
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Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend