We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
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I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
✌🏽
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
when u come home smelling like another dog
o shit
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.