me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
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My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.