My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
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The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle