o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
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“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss