I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
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“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.