My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
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[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful